[Yondu is floating in the air, hanging on his arrow]
Peter Quill: You look like Mary Poppins.
Yondu: Is he cool?
Peter Quill: Hell yeah, he's cool.
Yondu: I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!
Yondu: He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy.
Baby Groot: I am Groot.
Yondu: What's that?
Rocket: He says, "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy." Only he didn't use "frickin'."
Peter Quill: You shouldn't have killed my mom and squished my Walkman.
Drax: [to Quill] There are two types of beings in the universe, those who dance, and those who do not.
Kraglin: What are you gonna do with your share?
Nebula: As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Every time my sister prevailed... my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be her equal. But she won... again and again, and again, never once refraining. So after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death. I will hunt my father like a dog, and I will tear him apart slowly... piece by piece, until he knows some semblance of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every single day.
Kraglin: Yeah... I was talking about, like, a pretty necklace. Or a nice hat. You know. Something to make the other girls go "Ooh, that's nice."
Peter Quill: Sometimes, the thing you've been looking for your whole life is right there beside you all along.
Drax: [next to Peter] You're right!
Rocket: Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
Peter Quill: I don't have any tape. Let me check. Yo, Yondu, do you have any. Ow! Do you have any tape?... Gamora? Do you have any tape? Tape! Ah, never mind. Ow! Drax, do you have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work... Then why did you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any? Nobody has any tape!
Rocket: Not a single person has tape?
Peter Quill: Nope!
Rocket: Did you ask Nebula?
Peter Quill: Yes!
Rocket: Are you sure?
Peter Quill: I asked Yondu and she was sitting right next to him.
Rocket: I knew you were lying!
Peter Quill: You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag. If anybody's gonna have tape, it's *you*!
[Baby Groot grabs the device and runs off with it while Rocket's back is turned]
Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
Peter Quill: You are wasting a lot of time here!
[Rocket turns around and see that both the bomb and Groot are gone]
Rocket: [to himself] We're all gonna die.
Peter Quill: What is it?
Kraglin: It's called a Zune. It's what everybody's listening to on Earth nowadays.
Peter Quill: Well, you may not be mortal, but me...
Ego: No, Peter... death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
Peter Quill: I'm immortal?
Peter Quill: Really?
Ego: Yes! As long as the light exists.
Peter Quill: And, I could use the light to build cool things like, how you made this whole planet?
Ego: Well, it might take you a few million years of practice before you get really good at it. But, yes!
Peter Quill: What! This is... Well, get ready for a 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear...
Ego: You can do anything you want.
Peter Quill: I'm gonna make some weird shit.
Ego: I created what I imagined biological life to be like... down to the most minute detail.
Drax: Did you make a penis?
Peter Quill: Dude!
Gamora: What is wrong with you?
Drax: If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her!
Peter Quill: I don't need to hear how my parents...
Drax: Why? My father would tell the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
Peter Quill: That's disgusting.
Drax: It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups.
Ego: Yes, Drax, I got a penis.
Drax: Ha! Thank you!
Ego: It's not half bad.
Gamora: [in gunfight] Groot, get out of the way! You're gonna get hurt!
[Groot waves at her]
Gamora: [Smiling] Hi.
Rocket: So, we're saving the galaxy, again?
Peter Quill: I guess.
Rocket: Awesome! We're really gonna be able to jack up our prices if we're two-time galaxy savers.
[showing Groot how to arm the bomb]
Rocket: All right, first you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Now, whatever you do, don't push *this* button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
Groot: I am Groot.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: That's right.
Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
Rocket: No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Groot: Hmm. I am Groot.
Groot: I am Groot?
Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
Rocket: No! That's exactly what you just said! How is that even possible? Which button is the button you're supposed to push? Point to it.
[Groot points to the death button]
Rocket: You people have issues.
Peter Quill: Well, of course I have issues. That's my freakin' father!
[from fourth mid-credit scene]
Peter Quill: [on teenage Groot] And now I know how Yondu felt.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: He hates hats.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: [to Yondu] One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head, the next minute it's just because you realize part of that head is the hat.
Rocket: [to Groot] That's why you don't like hats?
Nebula: [sneering] Look at you, a Garden of the Galaxy!
Gamora: It's Guardian! Why would I be a Garden of the Galaxy?
Ego: Listen to me! You are a god. If you kill me, you'll be just like everybody else!
Peter Quill: What's so wrong with that?
[from the closing credits]
The Form of David Hasselhoff: In times of hardship, just remember: We. Are. Groot.
Peter Quill: I told Gamora how when I was a kid I used to pretend David Hasselhoff was my dad. He's a singer and actor from Earth, really famous guy. Earlier, it struck me... Yondu didn't have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn't have the beautiful voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasselhoff went on kick-ass adventures and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots... I guess David Hasselhoff did kind of end up being my dad after all. Only it was you, Yondu.
Peter Quill: I had a pretty cool dad. What I'm trying to say here is... sometimes that *thing* you're searching for your whole life... is right there by your side all along. And you don't even know it.
Rocket: [snickering] I'm sorry. I am so sorry! I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, sir, looking in the mirror and then in all seriousness saying to yourself, "You know what would be a really kick-ass name? Taserface!"
Mantis: When I touch someone I can feel their feelings.
[touches Quill's hand]
Mantis: You feel... love!
Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess - Yeah, I feel a general unselfish love for everyone.
Mantis: No. *Sexual* love...
Peter Quill: No. No, I don't.
Mantis: [points at Gamora] ... for her!
Peter Quill: No!
[Drax begins laughing hysterically]
Drax: She just told everyone you deepest, darkest secret!
[Drax continues laughing]
Peter Quill: Dude! Come on! I think you're reacting a little bit!
Drax: You must be so embarrassed!
[continues cracking up]
Drax: Do me! Do me! Do me!
Nebula: [to Gamora] All any of you do is yell at each other. You're not friends.
Drax: You're right... We're family.
Yondu: I don't use my head to fly the arrow, boy! I use my heart.
Peter Quill: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
Rocket: Oh, it won't be my turd. It'll be Drax's.
Drax: [laughs] I have famously huge turds.
Rocket: Do you know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?
Peter Quill: I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
Rocket: I did it because I wanted to!
Peter Quill: Dick.
Rocket: What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Drax: How little?
Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, I don't know, like this?
Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?
Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I'm sure he would be much larger.
Peter Quill: It's how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
Rocket: *Don't call me a racoon*!
Peter Quill: I'm sorry. I took it too far. I meant trash panda.
[Rocket looks around in confusion]
Rocket: Is that better?
Drax: I don't know.
Peter Quill: [snickering] It's worse. It's so much worse.
Kraglin: [to Yondu] I didn't mean to do a mutiny... They killed all my friends.
Drax: How did you get to this weird dumb planet?
Mantis: Ego found me in my larva state. Orphaned on my home world. He raised me by hand, and kept me as his own.
Drax: So you're a pet.
Mantis: I suppose.
Drax: People usually want cute pets. Why would Ego want such a hideous one?
Mantis: I am hideous?
Drax: You are horrifying to look at. Yes. Bu-But that's a good thing.
Drax: When you're ugly, and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are... Beautiful people never know who to trust.
Mantis: Well, then I'm certainly grateful to be ugly.
Yondu: You can go to hell, then! I don't give a damn what you think of me!
Stakar Ogord: So what are you following us for?
Yondu: Because you're gonna listen to what I gotta say!
Stakar Ogord: I don't gotta listen to nothing! You betrayed the code! Ravagers don't deal in kids.
Yondu: I told you before! I didn't know what was going on!
Stakar Ogord: You didn't know because you didn't want to know because it made you rich.
Drax: The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside.
Gamora: Huh?... No, no! Drax, wait a minute! *Drax*!
[Drax charges at the monster, and leaps down its throat]
Peter Quill: [horrified] What is he doing?
Gamora: He said the skin is too thick to be pierced on the outside. So he...
Peter Quill: But, that doesn't make any sense!
Gamora: I tried telling him that!
Peter Quill: Skin is the same level of thickness from the inside as from the outside!
Gamora: I *realize* that.
Watcher Informant: Oh, man. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted. At that time, I was a Federal Express man...
Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
Peter Quill: You read minds?
Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions.
Mantis: [to Peter] May I?
Peter Quill: All right.
Mantis: [Mantis touches Peter's hand] You feel... love.
Peter Quill: Yeah. I guess, yeah, I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody...
Mantis: No! Romantic, sexual love.
Peter Quill: No. No, I don't.
Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her!
Peter Quill: No, no. No, I don't.
Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her.
Peter Quill: No! That is not...
[Drax starts laughing hysterically]
Peter Quill: Okay... That's...
Drax: [still laughing] She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
Peter Quill: Dude, come on, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
Drax: [still laughing] You must be so embarrassed!
Drax: [to Mantis] Do me! Do me! Do me!
[Mantis touches Drax and she starts laughing hysterically]
Mantis: I've never felt such humor!
Peter Quill: So unbelievably uncool.
Drax: Oh, Quill...
[Mantis walks over to Gamora to touch her]
Gamora: Touch me, and the *only* thing you're gonna feel is a broken jaw.
Yondu: [to Peter] I'm sorry I didn't do none of it right, but I'm damn proud you're my boy.
Peter Quill: You said you loved my mother.
Ego: And that I did. My river lily who knew all the words to every song that came over the radio. I returned to Earth to see her three times. And I knew if I returned a fourth, well, I'd... I'd never leave. The Expansion... the reason for my very existence would be over. So, I did what I had to do. But... it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.
Peter Quill: What?
Ego: Now, now, all right, I know that sounds bad...
[Peter continuously shoots Ego with his Quad Blasters]
Ego: [reforming] Who... in the *hell*... do you think you are?
Peter Quill: *You killed my mother*!
Ego: I tried *so hard* to find the form...
The Form of David Hasselhoff: [changes form to David Hasselhoff] ... that best *suited you*... and this is the thanks I get?
Ego: [changes back] You really need to *grow up*.
[Ego pierces Quill with a beam of energy]
Ego: I wanted to do this together... but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a *battery*!
Drax: You don't have to believe in yourself, because I believe in you.
Mantis: [about Rocket] The crabby puppy is so cute. He makes me wanna die!
[from third mid-credit scene]
Ayesha: That, my child, is the next step in our evolution. More powerful, more beautiful, more capable of *destroying* the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think I shall call him... Adam.
Yondu: What is it Kraglin?
Kraglin: Hey, remember that Ayesha chick?
Yondu: Yeah, why?
[Yondu sees a fleet of Sovereign ships appear]
Yondu: Oh, hell!
Peter Quill: This is weird. We've got a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.
Gamora: Why would they do that?
Drax: Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.
Drax: [awkwardly] Right... He didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is.
[from second mid-credit scene]
Stakar Ogord: You know, it's a shame that it took the tragedy of losing Yondu to bring us all together again. But I think he'd be proud knowing that we're back as a team.
Charlie-27: I'm in.
Mainframe: I miss you guys so much!
Aleta Ogord: Hell yes.
Stakar Ogord: What say we steal some shit?
Rocket: [to Taserface] What was your second choice? Scrotum Hat?
[from fifth mid-credit scene]
Watcher Informant: [the Watchers leave] Hey, fellas. Hey, wait, where you going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home. How will I get outta here? Hey! Aw, gee. I've got so many more stories to tell. Aw, guys. Oh, gee.
Gamora: Can we put the bickering on hold until *after* we survive this massive space battle?
Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
Rocket: You don't know anything about me, loser.
Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest and the hardest but actually you're the most scared of all.
Rocket: Shut up!
Yondu: I know you steal batteries you don't need and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is.
Rocket: I said shut up!
Yondu: I know them scientists what made you, never gave a rat's ass about you!
Rocket: I'm serious, dude!
Yondu: Just like my own damn parents who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery. I know who you are, boy. Because you're me!
Rocket: ...What kind of a pair are we?
Yondu: The kind that's about to go fight a planet, I reckon.
Rocket: All right, okay! Good, that's... Wait. Fight a what?
Rocket: [about the Sovereign people] You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags, but that isn't true at all.
[winks at Peter in front of the Sovereign leader, Ayesha]
Rocket: Oh shit. I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? I'm sorry. That was meant to be behind your back.
Gamora: You own a planet and can destroy two dozen spaceships without a suit. What are you exactly?
Ego: I'm what's called a Celestial, sweetheart.
Yondu: It ain't healthy for a mammalian body to hop more than 50 jumps at a time.
Rocket: I know that.
Yondu: We're about to do 700!
[Nebula connects herself to a ship's weapons]
Yondu: This is gonna hurt!
Nebula: Promises, promises.
Yondu: [crashes into Ego's palace] Hey, there, jackass!
[All the Ravagers give tribute to Yondu]
Martinex: [to Stakar] He didn't let us down after all, Captain?
Stakar Ogord: No, he did not, son. He did not.
Charlie-27: Fare thee well, old friend.
Aleta Ogord: Yondu Odonta, I will see you in the stars.
Rocket: [knocks out Gamora] I'm Sorry. I can only afford to lose one friend today.
Meredith Quill: I can't believe I fell in love with a spaceman.
Ego: Soon, Peter, we will be all there is. So stop pissing me off!
Howard the Duck: [to a lady] So how about a round with the duck?
Drax: [laughing] Yes! I have single-handedly vanquished the beast!
Peter Quill: [to Rocket] What is your goal here? To get everyone to hate you? Because it's working.
Stakar Ogord: [to Yondu] If you think... I take pleasure... in exiling you... you're wrong. You broke all our hearts.
Nebula: I win. I win. I bested you in combat.
Gamora: No. I saved your life.
Nebula: Well, you were stupid enough to let me live.
Gamora: You let me live!
Nebula: I don't need you always trying to beat me!
Gamora: I'm not the one that just flew across the universe just because I wanted to win.
Nebula: Do not tell me what I want.
Gamora: I don't need to tell you what you want! It's obvious!
Nebula: You were the one who wanted to win. And *I* just wanted a sister!
Nebula: You were all I had. But you were the one who needed to win. Thanos pulled my eye from my head... and my brain from my skull... and my arm from my body... because of you.
Gamora: Nebula... I was a child like you. I was concerned with staying alive until the next day, every day. And I never considered what Thanos was doing to you. I'm trying to make it right. There are little girls like you across the universe who are in danger. You can stay with us and help them.
Nebula: I will help them by killing Thanos.
Rocket: [Teasing Drax who is not wearing any armor,cause it hurts his nipples] "My nipples hurt. Oh, goodness me!"
[Mantis touches Gamora, and she feels fear for the first time]
Gamora: What did you do to me?
[sees a pile of bones]
Nebula: We need to get off this planet.
Taserface: [to Yondu] You're the one what killed those men... by leading them down the wrong path. Because you're weak.
Taserface: And stupid!
[hits Yondu again]
Taserface: It's time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory with a new captain... Taserface!
Nebula: [being tied up] I'm hungry. Hand me some of that yaro root.
Gamora: No. It's not ripe yet... and I hate you.
Nebula: [to Taserface] I assure you. I am not as easy a mark as an old man without hs magic stick or a talking woodland beast.
Peter Quill: Doesn't eternity get boring?
Ego: Not if you have a purpose, Peter... which is why you're here.
Ego: I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose, and now it is yours as well.
Peter Quill: It's beautiful.
Ego: Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. I need to fulfill life's one true purpose... To grow and spread, covering *all* that exists until everything is... me.
Sovereign Operator: [before the Ravager ship is about to explode, Taserface calls the Sovereign] Who is this?
Taserface: I am sending you the coordinates for Yondu's ship. I only ask one thing. That your High Priestess, tell him the name of the man what sealed his fate... Taserface.
[the Operator snickers and erupts into laughter; Taserface groans as the ship explodes]
Ego: [singing to Looking Glass - Brandy You're a Fine Girl] She works layin' whiskey down; She serves them whiskey and wine, what a good wife you would be...
[Star-Lord and Rocket squabble over piloting a ship, in the middle of a battle]
Gamora: What was that story you told me about Zardu Hasselfrau?
Peter Quill: [confused] Who?
Gamora: He owned a magic boat?
Peter Quill: [after a long pause] David Hasselhoff?
Peter Quill: Not a magic boat. A talking car.
Gamora: Why did he talk again?
Peter Quill: To help him fight crime, and to be supportive!
Ayesha: Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community. Impeccable, both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny, germinating them in birthing pods.
Peter Quill: I guess I prefer to make people the old-fashioned way.
Ayesha: Well, Perhaps someday, you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors. For academic purposes.
Drax: Those pools, they remind me of a time when I took my daughter to the forgotten lakes of my home world. She was like you.
[Mantis touches Drax, she senses his sadness and breaks down]
Ego: I hired Yondu to pick you up after your mother passed away. But, instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why.
Peter Quill: I'll tell ya why; I was a skinny little kid who could slip into places adults couldn't. Made it easier for thieving.
Ego: Well, I've been trying to track you down ever since.
Drax: I thought Yondu was your father.
Peter Quill: What? You're trying to tell me that this whole time, you thought Yondu was my actual blood relative?
Drax: You look exactly alike!
Rocket: *One's blue!*
Peter Quill: No, he's not my father! Yondu was the guy who abducted me, kicked the crap out of me so I could learn to fight... and kept me in terror by threatening to eat me.
Ego: [shocked] Eat you?
Peter Quill: Yeah.
Ego: Oh, that son of a bitch!
Rocket: [referring to Taserface and Ego] It's a day for dumbass names.
Drax: [to Quill] You just need to find a woman who is pathetic... like you.
Drax: [Looking at Batteries] What are they called again?
Peter Quill: Anulax batteries.
Drax: Harbulary batteries.
Peter Quill: That's nothing like what I just said.
Yondu: [to Rocket] I was a Kree battle slave for twenty years when Stakar freed me. He offered me a place with the Ravagers. Said all I needed to do was adhere to the code. But I was young... and greedy, and stupid. Like you stealing those batteries.
Rocket: That was mostly Drax.
Yondu: Me and Stakar and the other captains... we weren't so different from you and your friends. The only family I ever had. But I broke the code... they exiled me. This is what I deserve.
Ego: I promise you... it's unlike any other place you've ever seen. And there... I can explain your very... special heritage. Finally get to be... the father I've always wanted to be... Excuse me. I've gotta take a whiz.
Rocket: [to Yondu] You're smiling. And for a second, I got a warm feeling. But then it was ruined by those disgusting-ass teeth.
Meredith Quill: [sing along with the song Brandy] There's a girl in this harbor town / And she works layin' whiskey down / They say, Brandy, fetch another round / She serves them whiskey and wine / The sailors say, Brandy, you're a fine girl.
Taserface: [Holding a knife to Rocket's throat after having his name being made fun of] New plan! We're killing you first!
Rocket: Well, dying is certainly better than having to live an entire life as a moronic shitbag who thinks 'Taserface' is a cool name.
Mantis: [shaking Drax awake] Drax! We need to talk!
Drax: I'm sorry... but I like a woman with some meat on her bones.
Mantis: [confused] What?
Drax: I tried to let you down easily by telling you you were disgusting.
Mantis: What are you doing?
Drax: Ugh... I'm imagining... being with you physically
Mantis: Drax! That's not what I... I don't like you like that! I don't even mate with the... type of thing you are!
Drax: Hey! There's no need to get personal.
Mantis: Listen! Ego has gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier. I am stupid! You are in danger!
Ego: [Peter has 'Brandy' by Looking Glass playing on the walkman] It's fortuitous that you're listening to this song.
Peter Quill: You know...?
Ego: 'Brandy' by Looking Glass. A favorite of your mom's. One of Earth's greatest musical compositions; perhaps its very greatest.
Peter Quill: Yeah.
Ego: You and I, Peter, we're the sailor in the song.
[Begins speaking the lyrics as they play]
Ego: He came on a summer's day / Bringing gifts from far away - like the child I put in your mother, or the freedom you brought Gamora.
Ego: Brandy, you're a fine girl / What a good wife you would be / But my life, my love, my lady is the sea. The sea calls the sailor back. He loves the girl, but that's not his place.