Sondra Pransky:
[
to Sidney] If you put our heads together, you'll hear a hollow noise.
[
repeated line]
Sid Waterman:
I love you, really. With all due respect, you're a beautiful person. You're a credit to your race.
Sid Waterman:
16 blue ponies, 21 airplanes, and 12 spinning midgets.
Joe Strombel:
Peter Lyman is the Tarot Card Killer!
Sid Waterman:
I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism
[
first lines]
Funeral Speaker:
Don't mourn Joe Strumble.
[
last lines]
Sid Waterman:
Go ahead, sweetheart. I love you, sweetheart.
Sondra Pransky:
Look, I can't just go up to him and say, "Hi, how are you?" I mean, it would make him suspicious. So, you know - anything - he gets... put off or...
Sid Waterman:
Drown!
Sondra Pransky:
What?
Sid Waterman:
Drown! Drown! I'll go get co-, I'll go get co...
Sondra Pransky:
[
shakes her head] Ach...
Sid Waterman:
Listen to me! I'll go get coffee, you get a cramp. Go into the water, flounder around, you know...
Sondra Pransky:
[
sighs] Ahh...
Sid Waterman:
Yes! Go ahead, sweetheart. That's, that's a great idea. He'll oblige to save you that way and if he doesn't, you know, then I'll notify your parents.
Sid Waterman:
I don't need to work out. My anxiety acts as aerobics.
Sondra Pransky:
You are a cynical crapehanger who always see the glass half-empty!
Sid Waterman:
No, you're wrong. I see the glass half full, but of poison.
[
From trailer]
Sid Waterman:
The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect.
[
From trailer]
Sondra Pransky:
This guy is a serial killer! He could just kill at any moment!
Sid Waterman:
Yeah, I heard that part. That's when I knew I was gonna make other plans.
[
From trailer]
Joe Strombel:
This'll be the biggest story to hit London since Jack the Ripper.
Sondra Pransky:
Jack the Ripper. Is that capitalized?
[
From trailer]
Sondra Pransky:
What are you going to tell the police? "The guy owns a deck of tarot cards...” that's not a crime!
[
From trailer]
Sondra Pransky:
I'm a would-be investigative reporter who has fallen in love with the object of her investigation.
Sid Waterman:
We need to put our heads together.
Sondra Pransky:
If we put OUR heads together, it would make a hollow sound.
Sid Waterman:
You're a pretty girl. You know, I think you could probably get this guy to get interested in you.
Sondra Pransky:
Oh, you're silly...
Sid Waterman:
Yeah, particularly if he's got a twisted mind.
Sondra Pransky:
How can we meet him?
Sid Waterman:
You know, I don't know... They have a class system. He's an aristocrat and, you know, we're... we're commoners. In fact according to his system, we're... I think we're probably classified as scum.
Sid Waterman:
This guy is a serial-killer like I play for the New York Jets.
Sid Waterman:
I was in the lounge, I heard you drowning, I finished my tea and scones and came immediately!
Sondra Pransky:
What are you putting in your metamucil?
Sid Waterman:
You know not everything in the world is sinister... just practically everything.
Sid Waterman:
Not everything in this world is sinister... just practically everything.
Sondra Pransky:
Ugh... the Indian food made me sick.
Sid Waterman:
What? You barely touched your cobra salad, how can you be sick?
Sid Waterman:
Oh yes, she can't swim. She sinks like a stone! It's a family trait, actually, lack of buoyancy. Her siblings suffer from it too.
Man:
So what do you do, Mr. Spence?
Sid Waterman:
Real estate.
[
stutters, double take]
Sid Waterman:
Uh, I mean, oil. I WAS in real estate, but now I'm in oil. I mean, now land is getting hard to come by... especially... outdoors.
Sondra Pransky:
[
to Sid] Stop telling people I sprang from your loins!
Sid Waterman:
Actually, I bought my first Reubens with my poker winnings.
Man:
You bought a Reubens painting?
[
stunned]
Sid Waterman:
Oh, oh, no. Not a painting. A reuben sandwich.
Peter Lyman:
You take after your father.
Sondra Pransky:
[
sarcastically] Great.
Sid Waterman:
This guy must be some lover if you're ready to drop the whole investigation! I must find out what breakfast cereal he eats...
Sondra Pransky:
Get this - Peter's mother, Lady Eleanor, had dark brunette shoulder-length hair.
Sid Waterman:
But she's not a hooker?
Sondra Pransky:
[
pause] No, Sid, she's not a hooker! God, honestly, sometimes I wonder about what goes on in that brain of yours!
Sondra Pransky:
Dad, I need to talk to you. Right now.
[
serious]
Sid Waterman:
Right now, sweetie? I was just about to pull some quarters out of Mrs. Quincy's nose!
Peter Lyman:
What's wrong? Are you crying?
Sondra Pransky:
No, I'm too tough to cry. My nasal passages do get congested when I'm sad, though.
Sondra Pransky:
[
Peter told them he'd be out of town but then they spotted him across the street] I just can't believe he lied to me!
Sid Waterman:
Maybe he's just doing something he's ashamed of, like maybe he belongs to these clubs where he dresses up as a crossdresser, or maybe he does folk dancing!
Sid Waterman:
You're alone up there with a very, very dangerous man! That's two "very's"!
Sondra Pransky:
I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him someday.
Sid Waterman:
You come from an orthodox family, would they accept a serial killer?
Sondra Pransky:
Why would Peter kill a prostitute?
Sid Waterman:
Because it looks bad on his resume!
Sid Waterman:
I don't know what you've been smoking, but don't try to bring it through customs.
Sondra Pransky:
Why don't you think about this as adding some excitement to your life?
Sid Waterman:
Sweeheart, excitement in my life is dinner without heartburn after it.
Peter Lyman:
I just can't get the vision of you in your swimsuit out of my head.
Sondra Pransky:
Oh I'm glad you liked it! It was marked down!
Sid Waterman:
Well did you accomplish anything besides a possible pregnancy?
Sid Waterman:
They'll take us to the Tower of London and behead us!
Sid Waterman:
What about Indian food, do you like spicy food?
Sondra Pransky:
No, no, it's OK, I don't have that much of an appetite.
Sid Waterman:
But you will, when they bring out the prawns in hydrochloric acid...
Sondra Pransky:
Do you have a family?
Sid Waterman:
I had a wife but sh... she dumped me if you can believe that.
Sondra Pransky:
Somehow...
Sid Waterman:
She thought I was immature and that I never grew up... I had a great rebuttal for her, I coulda nailed her, you know, but uh... I raised my hand, she would *not* call on me.
Sid Waterman:
You're the daughter I never had.
Sondra Pransky:
[
touched] Oh, Sidney...
Sid Waterman:
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I never wanted kids.
Sondra Pransky:
I think it's time that we show my story to a real journalist.
Sid Waterman:
What do you mean, a real journalist?
Sondra Pransky:
One that's living.
Sid Waterman:
Geez, if I ever catch that Joe Strombel, I'll kill him.
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