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"Late Show with David Letterman"
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John Kerry: [Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals] 10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents. 9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form. 8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton. 7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair. 6. Attorney General Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution. 5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa. 4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa to cover the whole damn thing. 3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent. 2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular." 1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.
David Letterman: [introduction to Stupid Pet Tricks and Stupid Human Tricks] This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, no wagering.
David Letterman: In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
[David is working at McDonald's]
David Letterman: Yes. Welcome to Mc Donald's. What do you want?
Customer: Hello.
David Letterman: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Medium Sprite.
David Letterman: Yeah, what can I do for you?
Customer: Sprite.
David Letterman: Medium Sprite?
Customer: That's it.
David Letterman: That's all?
Customer: Yes.
David Letterman: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite?
[David is working at McDonald's]
David Letterman: Welcome to Mc Donald's.
Customer: Get me a cheeseburger.
David Letterman: Your order is a cheeseburger?
Customer: Yep.
David Letterman: Are you busy right now?
Customer: I gotta head to work. Why?
David Letterman: Could you swing by the grocery store and get us a bag of onions?
Customer: A bag of onions?
David Letterman: Yeah. We're running low.
[Later, David takes new customer]
David Letterman: United 16957, 727. This is Kennedy Ground Control. What's the problem? Power it on in.
Customer: I have your onions here.
David Letterman: What?
Customer: The ten-pound bag of onions.
David Letterman: You're got the onions? All right. Come on through. We really appreciate it. Thanks for helping out.
[David is working at McDonald's]
Customer: Can I have two Whoppers, please
David Letterman: We're all out of Whopples.
Customer: No. Whoppers, Whoppers.
David Letterman: We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.
Himself - Announcer: People always ask me, 'Big Red, what's your secret to scoring with a different hot chick every single night of the week?' You want to know how I land the really wild babes? I clean my dishes with Ajax.
David Letterman: Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"
Alan Kalter: Dwight, have you had any luck finding a summer job?
Dwight The Troubled Teen: Summer job? When all my friends are playing video games and hanging out at the mall? No way.
Alan Kalter: A summer job means spending money, Dwight. And it teaches you responsibility.
Dwight The Troubled Teen: Oh, responsibility. Like when you brag to your golf buddies about how you cheat on your taxes? And when you hit that car in the parking lot and just drove away? You disgust me, you corrupt old fraud! I hate you! I hate all of you!
Dwight The Troubled Teen: Hi, I'm Dwight the Troubled Teen. This summer, why not help make our nation's highways and byways beautiful. Join a highway clean-up program in your area. You'll be glad you did! This is Dwight the Troubled Teen saying, "Have a fun, safe summer, everyone."
Pat Farmer: Do you like her?
Jeff: Yeah, but someone should tell her to lay off the donuts.
David Letterman: [during a typically silly comedy skit] This is the only thing on CBS right now...
Himself - Bandleader: [after he and David play around with air raid sirens, impersonating a broadcast announcer] This is a test. This is only a test. If this is an actual emergency, flip over to Leno.
Alan Kalter: Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Dr. Love.

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